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Thank you very much, Edward, you are a real professional, unlike that moron Samurai Cyclops or whatever the hell his name is.

I called GE and ordered the toaster element kit next day air, which brought the total, including taxes to just over $80. By this time tomorrow, I should be happily eating my Thomas Sourdough English Muffins once again thanks to you, Edward.

Just one more thing, if I may, Edward. In my earlier attempts to repair the toaster, I broke off the black plastic handle on the lever that you push to make the toast go down. Do you know where I can order one of those, too?

Listen, Martha, if you're going to give advice, I sure wish to hell you'd try it yourself first! I followed your instructions exactly on making a new handle out of flour. Pretty damn ingenious, I thought at first. So I stick my whole toaster in the oven and bake it at 350 degrees. It didn't take too long for that damn power cord to melt all over the oven. Made one helluva mess, too!

Well, I started to get panicky because tomorrow morning I have to have my Thomas Sourdough English Muffins or I'll get constipated. So I got some duct tape and taped up the cord as best I could and plugged it in to test it. The cord was resting on some newspapers, which caught fire. My fire extinguisher was empty from squirting cockroaches so I had to empty my bladder on the flames to put them out and keep my whole duplex from burning down. So now, my whole kitchen smells like smoke and rancid urine, my oven has melted rubber oozed all over it, and my toaster is toast.

All because of your stupid, untested advice!

The way I see it, you owe me an oven cleaning, a kitchen remodelling job, and one damn fine toaster, young lady! I estimate the total damage to be approximately $238.76. You can mail your check to me, Mr. Harvey, 293 Northern Avenue, Boston, MA 02210.

And let this be an expensive lesson to you! Dammit!

Here I sit at home with a 103 degree fever and what turns out to be a broken Toastmaster toaster . The power outlet IS working and the toaster WAS plogged in, thank you very much, so I decided to (unplug it and) take the thing apart and look for a burnt fuse or something. I got the plastic sides off, but couldn't figure out how the handle comes off, and thus could not get the ends of the toaster off. After trying the same things over and over again, (and realizing much to my chagrin that this computer programmer is not "smarter than the average toaster handle") I decided to search the web for an exploded parts diagram. I found your sight which was not use to me whatsoever in fixing the toaster. I did not appreciate the profanity, BUT, you guys are Sooooooooo stinking funny. Your banter and bad Haiku have brightened up this sick pupy's day !!